(c) 5/1998 - 1/2012
How Do I/We Tell Our Child?
Reviewed 8/1/2010
How
do you tell the child? Well this is a tough one.
Before I get too far into this, I'm a CD (well sort of). I have
options about telling or not telling. This is all
coming from my perspective. I can't speak for TSs other
than the need to come out is almost unavoidable and
sometimes is more critical in the timing.
I have only done a small bit of reading from the "experts" and I'm not going to go into a discussion on them. They aren't all wrong and they certainly aren't all right. And so, I offer my personal opinion on the whole thing taken from my gut feelings and from what made sense to me. I only hope my offer here gets you thinking and helps you make a choice that you are comfortable with.
To start, my readings have two camps. Those that say telling the children is a good thing and, of course we have the other that says "no way." However, within those camps is a bit of commonality, they each talk about the different ages at which kids may be told if you decide you must. Mine was not told till she was 18. I'll talk about that later...
First, they are your children and you know what they know because you have taught them and you have given them their genetic background. You are the best judge of when and if to tell them. You also know the whole situation about your feelings and your problems with the need for secrecy. You know what your significant other (SO) feelings are on the whole thing -- or you better know because (s)he has a role too.
If you raised your child with the same openness and accepting of others as you expect to receive, then you are already half way to telling. Your child has gotten implanted with a valuable asset for the future --tolerance. At the same time your child has also been getting lessons about what intolerance can cause. Life has those intolerant people and your child is around them -- no doubt about it. With your teachings and life's stupid (not ignorant) people, your child should have a good understanding of the difference in value of tolerance versus intolerance. So much for the rosy picture.
If your child was mostly raised by someone who doesn't care for those of dissimilar persuasion, for example one of your mothers (yours or your significant other's) is raising the child during the day. What if "mom" has a low tolerance level for different folks. The child, because of circumstances, will probably develop a tendency towards some intolerance and will see that intolerance is okay. And so, here's the other side of the issue. The level of tolerance your child has is important. The influences from people have an impact on how much your child will accept or reject you.
You and your SO (I am assuming you have been fortunate to have an "other") are another factor. Your relationship has an impact on the decision to tell the child. How you two get along, how you two treat your special relationship, makes a difference. You two pretty much have to be united in what you tell the child and you two have to be comfortable with the decision. They may not be able to understand everything, but they certainly sense your feelings. Children are good that way. They will know if you two fight and can figure out the cause eventually. The decision to tell has to be a joint one and probably you both should be present when you talk to the child. That way the child can see both sides and ask all the questions (s)he wants of the both of you. I'm not saying the couple has to have the same answers, just that they be on the same planet going in the same direction. It's okay to have individual perspectives, after all, the child will too. The child will be wanting reassurances everything will or is okay and both of you present helps provide that assurance.
So how do you tell? When do you tell? You tell the child like you would tell the child any other facts. If you are talking about the house finances and what everyone's pay is, then you may put conditions on letting the child know that kind of information. Many folks tell their child what they make for a living just as a part of growing up and setting examples. At the same time, we tell the child not to go telling everyone what anyone makes. You tell the child "it is not their neighbor's business and telling is just not done."
When you tell the child, you tell him/her in a way so that the child has no reason to feel embarrassed. If you are not, then why make the child feel that way? You are simply stating a fact and believe it is important for the child to know. The child can appreciate that in his or her own way. Once you have told the child, then be ready for questions and depending on the age and circumstances, be prepared for no reaction at all. It could be delayed or just not important to the child at that time...
When do you tell? Heck, sometimes
people never tell, it was always present while the
child was growing up. The parents were/are completely
open about who they are and there is a free flow of
people through the family's life with friends who are
TGs too. In other instances, the child isn't told till
the child has moved. Others tell their children when
they believe they are old enough to comprehend and are
able to "keep the secret."
What is a good time for you? When you are ready, when there are no big worries in the child's life at that moment, when there is a need for you to come out, when there is enough things going right to make you feel some what safe about it. The time to tell the child is a bit of a hit or miss and always causes some delay. We naturally try to wait for the perfect moment and it will not happen. So we wait for as many "right conditions as possible." Hummm... which are the most important conditions? I would say when the child is having things going right for him/her. When the child seems ready for something new. We would like to think we are in control of which particular time is right to talk to the child, but nope... we are slaves to our children and we are dictated by their schedules, needs, and feelings. Don't you just love em? *smile*
Can things go wrong? Yep.. total rejection is one. I doubt this will occur in younger dependent children, but they can certainly be mad at you and become a "problem child" over time. Total loss of secrecy is another problem. This tends to happen when you tell one too young. Can other things go wrong? How about all the things that would occur as a consequence of your child's actions. Are there other direct impacts? Yes, how about all those things that occur when you come across an intolerant person, such as the lack of respect. This scaring you? This information really is not new, these warnings are just reminders and should just be used to help set some limits on your perspective.
Can things go right? Sure -- who you are becomes a part of the child's awareness and may actually be a part of the child's life. Ideally, we want the child to be very happy that you are who you are, but you can only get some lesser degree of that. Another thing to go right--some piece of mind. You can stop worrying so much. You can be caught dressing and know the child will not "die from it." I guess the biggest "right" is finally clearing away the "unknown" and you can now deal with tangible results and can deal with each issue that arises after that.
One last note, never expect the child to be a "participant" just expect the child to be a child. How the child becomes involved or stays aware is all in the child. Even though you have told the child, does not mean you will necessarily be dressing in front of the child. Hearing about you and seeing you are two different circumstances but need to be treated similarly. When you show and when you tell have similar timing issues and concerns.
Did I cover it all? I think so.. So
here is my story. Ro did not want the brat to know. Ro
believed the timing was wrong, that she had too much in
her head already - she was growing up and adjusting to
college. I was dying in my closet. The Brat was raised
to be open, tolerant and accepting of people's ways.
She was 18ish. Ro and I were probably going to wait
forever (well that is how I felt). Ro probably would
never had told the Brat if she didn't have to. Well,
here I preached above about talking together with the
child. I bent my own rule really really far. I told her
myself as she was preparing to go off to her second
year of college -- off to her campus over five hours
away. I decided to tell her and at the same time I told
her not to tell mommy that she knew. I told her that we
two would tell mommy or that I would tell her alone.
It happens the Brat and I have a more open relationship than she has with mommy about certain things. It just works that way. So the Brat and I were going to share one more secret till the timing was right.
I told her with confidence, no shame or guilt. I answered all her questions including providing the appropriate "I don't know" when it was true. She wanted to know how mommy felt and I told her what I believed, she asked if I wanted to be a woman, she asked questions that would give her answers about how she was impacted. When it was all over, all he said was "okay" *sigh* what a hurdle to jump. Next was telling mommy that the Brat knew. That was done for me. The Brat blew up at mommy for something about lifestyles and out she spilled the facts. Not a good month for me. However, because Ro and I try to be honest and open about most things, we were able to get past it. Ro was very very angry and I was very very careful not to make her more angry. I think one of the critical factors that helped me and Ro was that the Brat did not make anything of it and life just continued uneventfully after that. Had the Brat been going crazy or had used my person as an excuse for her actions, then Ro and I would have had serious problems. Mommies tend to make their child more important than their spouses. I cannot complain about that.
[2/3/2001] As you see, it's been quite awhile since I have told the Brat. She is ready to get married and for her sanity, she somewhat warned her fiancée'. As he has become a part of the family, I know he took the information just fine. He has seen pictures, but not the actually "Davita" in person. Last Halloween they both raided my closet for possible costumes. (No he's not a CD *smile*)]
[2/24/2005] The brat and her hubby still haven't met Davita. And as time goes on, so does the number of her friends that know about me. Davita is never really a topic of discussion, but she does come into some conversations just for amusement. I'm not saying she is being made fun of, but you have to admit there are just some things that can be just plain weird about a transgendered person in the normal world when people know what is going on. For example, sharing my nail polish. A guy just doesn't do that but we girls would.
Since I had so much trouble explaining this "coming out" business, I know you need more information. Check the links on Avert (an international AIDS charity). They provide a lot more and better information than myself.
I hope this one helps you... let me know and let me know how your "adventure" goes.