(c) 5/1998 - 1/2012
Well, telling any one person is pretty much like telling any other person regardless of your relationship--spouse, close friend, coworker, whoever. So far, I have had no problems coming out, but that's me being selective and me being lucky, I think.
Guess what? To begin if you read it, the whole discussion of telling your children is relevant here. You have to understand what makes up the feelings and thoughts of the person you are going to tell. You need to know how open- or close- minded that person is. You also need to know about how good that person is with keeping secrets if that is important to you. At times, I just sit back and think to myself, heck--what if (s)he tells everyone? Then other times I sit and feel what a problem that can cause when everyone should not have heard.
Frogbert has a good thought about telling friends, he is sooo smart *smile*. Basically he said that the people you are willing to tell are people that share your philosophy. Otherwise, they are not long term or close enough to you that you would really care if they knew the truth about you. Hummm... what else can I say? Oh yeah, the picking of the person to tell is the easiest of all that is involved. The hardest part of telling is getting the words out of your mouth. So far, I have not figured out a polite "segway"--that is how to broach the subject in conversation. I suspect the best way to deal with it is to make the whole reason for the meeting is for the telling. If you ever expect to steer the conversation to the subject on your mind and your friend/spouse/etc. is just there cause you invited, then you are in for a treat. The treat is the puzzle you have to solve to get to where you want to go. So far I have had one blurt it out totally off the wall and the latter, discussed below, was to have the meeting to come out, with my friend knowing he was going to be told something intimate. Other instances, I have Frogbert. People in my office know of him and he is an easy way to let my other self slip out. I show the whole works of Frogbert and within his pages are pictures of me. *smile* the exotic ones, mind you, but not nasty. These pictures usually elicit, "who's the girl?" and then I'm out. One time I mentioned a surprise person was coming and then asked if she wanted advance warning or would be okay going to lunch and be surprised. *smile* She opted for advance information and so I had a new picture to show her.
There are many ways to actually come out. The least startling is just talking. The most is the infamous surprise guest showing up fully dressed with no warning at all. I have done both, but again, you have to be very very careful about the latter. Even though your person accepts who you are, the trauma of that first sight, can be lasting--and it is traumatic. Other times, I have used Frogbert as a crutch; I have used pictures. Once I am out, I offer support to help my person understand and become comfortable with the "new me." I may show my home page and my bio, which gives some detail about my life and gives a small explanation about who I really am.
Okay, about one of my comings out... I had decided to tell this friend about a month ago (prior to this writing) and we had lunch scheduled for us to talk. We needed to catch up on what has been going on since the last time we talked. I have known my friend for almost seven years and we had not had much time to talk in the last few months.
We were having a good lunch, but time was short and we needed it all just to catch up. We scheduled another lunch and he still had no idea I was going to tell him anything. I gave no hint I needed to talk to him. Well the second lunch was also pretty busy and towards the end, I requested that he give me a few more minutes; "I had something I wanted to tell him." He smiled and then hesitated, "oh I know you too well; I'm not ready for something that sounds so serious. I promise, we will get together in September."
September was coming to a close quickly and we did manage to schedule another date just in time for my birthday. He came to my house and we chatted. About the time I was going to get serious, the Brat came home and we three had to chat some more. I finally coaxed the Brat to leave me and my friend alone again. So just as he and I settled back again, Ro came home. She had been out and just returned. More chatter. Time was getting late and I had not told him. I told him we still had not talked and he said "yeah, go ahead let's talk."
Try telling someone cold with no lead in. Well I brought him to my website. I let him read my home page. I also let him read my COGIATI survey as I brought up my site. By the way. this darn web site sure makes coming out easy *smile*. I just throw people in and step back for a sec.
He smiled and said "great! I know a couple others. Gee I wished I had known sooner, one was having troubles and could have used you to talk to." Obviously it went well. He also wanted to see the rest of my website including my various pics. He got to see the ugly untouched ones (not posted) too.
How did I know it was okay to tell him? Every listen closely to what your friends talk about? Ever hear how they talk about certain types of people? Seven years of listening, you get a fair idea of what is in a person's head. The other aspect of my friend was his fairly easy going nature. He can be high strung, but just when he thinks he is too busy. He is a happy fellow, meaning he does not worry too much. This kind of person can most likely be told with little worry. The only question is, what kind of talker is (s)he? I worried a bit that he would talk to others, but then when he had other TGs he did not mention till now, I knew it was ok. Did I answer the question of how did I know? You have that gut feeling like you do when you know it's okay to tell some one you love them.
You know it is ok because you actually want to tell them because you want them closer to you. This contradicts the earlier statements somewhat. This is what I mean, barring the fact the person should not be told, you want to tell this person. So if you want to tell this person and the person exhibits "safe" characteristics, then I think you really should work at a way to come out. If the person is not like-able then maybe you need to find a new friend *grin*. If the person is liked by all, and you are close, then it sounds like a winning combination. Gosh, this "how do you know" is pure weasel-wording (not clear and straight forward). I cannot explain it other than you have an instinctive notion about a person and what you can tell them.
Since I had so much trouble explaining this "coming out" business, I know you need more information. Check my References page for the Coming Out section. This will provide letters and additional information.
Good luck, I wish it was easy.
Updates:
See my Outings pages for
some of the details of my other comings out.
I just want remind you that all the rules still apply as stated above. You have to be careful, you have to choose wisely and you have to be prepared for the final result. So far no one has dropped me, but one day I just may goof and lose a person I thought was a friend. As for coming out to strangers such as sales people? I have only come across a few that I wouldn't waste my time with. You know the ones; they are smug to begin with and they seem to think men in women's departments are creepy or too out of place. (No--I've never been accused of being creepy in a store.) With this reminder of the rules, following is more insight gained from personal experience.
I have not officially come out at work. Some people know, but I have not made a request of management to proclaim Davita's existence. [update 8/1/10] I have told one manager in my office, actually a few years ago. He hasn't told anyone and he is no longer a manager there. He is still in the office and we are still friends. I have been getting close to telling my current boss. I have told other managers in other offices as we have become friends over the years. They have even been out with Davita.
On August 6, 2003, the Diane Rehm Show on one of the local National Public Radio stations had an interview (11:00am) with Jennifer Finney Boylan, a transsexual who came out and has since authored a book on the experience.
As I mentioned above, I have come out to more people since the original writing of this page. Most times, I have introduced "Davita" through Frogbert's page. Frogbert leaves a sentence with someone on a regular basis so people are familiar with him. When I'm ready to tell them, I offer to let that person see all his writings by visiting his web page. Anyone that is keeping up with him knows there are pictures of Davita there. In one particular instance, I did one thing that many dream of doing, but is most often discouraged. I came out to two friends by showing up without warning, fully dressed for a lunch date. Thank goodness I was right about these two close friends. I was going for shock value (Don't do this with enemies, expecting to give them heart attacks!) and it took a couple weeks before one of the girls confessed how shocked she really was.
[12/16/00] Silly me has been shopping a lot lately. Like any other woman, I want my clothes to look right and fit right. Well yesterday I had tossed an old makeup kit that had eye shadows and all. That meant I needed to replace the colors I tossed. I was at my local JC Penny's outlet and decided to check out the makeup. The store is closing so prices had an additional markdown, but the sign was down. I took the selected shadows to the cashier to get her to scan and price them for me. I must be changing. She seemed to pick right up on the fact they were for me without me even hinting. Is it the confidence in how I asked? She told me the colors I picked would look good *smile* I knew that.
[3/3/2002] I have had a bout with mild depression and I think part of it can be attributed to me not wanting to be closeted. I guess to compensate for that sometimes, I get these big urges to come out. When that happens, I just hope I get a bit of control back and so far I have. But then I still manage to find a soul to tell about Davita. I'm taking some chances I know, but on my lists of "who should know," "who can know" and "who should never know," I'm doing ok. I am working through the "who can know" list. Within the prior week of this update, I had come out to four more people; all seem to be okay--no repercussions yet. I don't recommend you get crazy like me. If you have to tell anyone, just tell one single soul and not a bunch like I did. One personality is easier to work with than four different personalities if you have to.
[5/24/2005] Goodness, it certainly has been awhile for this page. Anyway, I continue to come out to people. I am to the point now with my comfort level about who I am, I don't worry about who tells who. In addition, I am comfortable enough to show my boy ID when ID is called for. This just means more people find out. For example, the last place I had to produce an ID was my local library. Now two more people in my world know.