How Do I Help The Situation?
Reviewed 2/24/2005

I hope this one helps you... let me know and let me know how your "adventure" goes.

On a lighter note, the pictures were from my November 2000 San Francisco trip. Click on any picture to see a larger one. By the way, the picture by the stairs is really by the only curved escalator in the world (I think that's still true).

Okay, your significant other (SO) has just found out and you are at your first confrontation. What can you do? What should you not do? It all depends-the SO's mood, how you were found out, how stable and mature your relationship is. Sounds familiar doesn't it -- sorry. Following are my thoughts on the do's and don'ts

Davita in an SF cosmetics store

Uncontrolled Discovery

Let me start with the uncontrolled discovery. This first confrontation is not going to be a good one just by circumstances alone. If this is unplanned, then you are reacting and reacting versus managing is not good. You are put on the defensive when you should be an equal (mixed terms? Oh well). What I mean is that you should not be in a lesser position than your (SO); you need to be an equal as much as possible.

Davita in an SF cosmetics store It really does not matter exactly how (s)he found out, but possible ways (as you know) include:

  • Finding your clothes
  • Finding a receipt, possibly including your fem credit card charge
  • Catching you dressed
  • Finding a picture of you
  • Overhearing a conversation or
  • Seeing your "computer tracks."

These all have specific questions and problems associated with them and most likely, some issue about them will come up later regardless of what had happened. Your SO is going to ask you about the items in the list anyway. Count on it and I will talk about them later.

Now your SO knows, has never been angrier, and is looking you in the face and you need to do or say something. Do you really? Yes - you need to:

  • Give your SO a chance to beat you up verbally.
  • You may need to stand there and maybe be hit-you just do not know how angry or hurt your SO is. Do I condone the verbal or physical attack? No, but this is a very unique circumstance for your SO. This is very very emotional.
  • Answer questions as honestly as you can. Do not invent an answer for the sake of having one. It does not help.
  • Do what helps get the SO calmed down, but not at your future expense. I mean do not say you will or will not do things you do not mean or cannot control. I know you want to, but anything that becomes a new lie will just make matters worse.
  • Help your SO understand that the relationship is not over unless (s)he wants it that way. In the same breath, don't you accept it as over based on anything said or done in that first encounter.
  • Be reassuring about who you are, what is going on, and help your SO understand that everything between you is just as it was or will be getting better because of the new openness you have wanted to give, but could not. It sounds idealistic, but hopefully it's also true.
  • Be patient. Everything will not be fixed (if anything will be fixed) in this first encounter. Have no expectations, good or bad.
  • Davita at the SF curved escalator Be aware (s)he may think you are gay (that's whole different conversation). (S)he will be questioning who you really want as a sex partner. You threw up an whole new problem at your SO and this "dressing thing" will come around to the "sex thing" soon enough. You know gender and sex don't have to be related, but your SO may not understand that. You will need to talk it all out. The bottom line is that you are in that relationship because you want to be and it may (probably does) include the sex.

I discussed the situation about an angry SO. Then there will be another SO that was just shot in the head and the whole world is ending because of the discovery. This person has a lot of worries and needs support more than ever. You may still get a backlash, but expect it and accept it. This encounter will surely be one that hurts you too. You got into the relationship cause you cared, now you hurt that person. What do you do during that first face-to-face?

You:

  • Lie -- deny it all! **giggle** (sorry) Nope. Wrong. Bad -- Be honest; be factual.
  • Be open.
  • Most of all be reassuring. This person has a lot of worries and needs support more than ever. This person needs to know the whole world will continue for the time being.
  • Have to set some of your hurting aside.
  • Have to control the situation. I'm not saying be cold, but do not get caught up in all his/her woe and anguish just yet.
  • Heed the prior list of "Do's."

Okay, now what do you NOT do for any first face-to-face? You do not:

  • Get angry or hurt back -- you just don't; you can't. It is not about what you want right now; it's about your SO. (S)he is going to say things you will not like and (s)he may try to hurt you. Understand that and ignore it; your SO does not really mean it.
  • Get defensive about who you are, you may have done a wrong thing in the relationship, but dressing really was not it. It was the fact that you were not completely honest. That incomplete honesty adds much to the anger, hurt and worry.

hummm dark, but I know I was there. Look close.

Davita in an SF Lori's Diner

I said I would talk about these...

So what do you do when the SO:

  • Finds your clothes? Offer her/him a chance to try them all on.
  • Finds a receipt? Offer to let him/her treat you to a new outfit.
  • Catches you dressed? Shriek and run away.
  • Finds a picture of you? Ask if that was your better side.
  • Overhears a conversation? Remind the SO about proper etiquette and to not listen to other people's conversations.
  • Sees your "computer tracks"? Dust more often.

Hey, I never said what I would say about those first circumstances. You know hindsight is wonderful and when it is some one else's problem you can be a little humorous about it. I know we all have imagined doing those things I've said.

Seriously, the bottom line is that you should come clean to a level you feel best, but do not make unreal promises to stop. Reassure your SO that you will stay truthful and responsible. When I say responsible, I mean just what it means. You are going to put some limits on yourself and you are going to demonstrate them to your SO. Seriously, you are in a relationship and you must get control of your actions and compromise with your SO. Some of the issues from the above are not really who you are but how much it costs in your wallet or in your time and your inattention to the relationship.

The biggest problem of discovery, be it coming out or by accident, is that you have violated a trust and the SO found out. It is a grave situation to ever violate the trust, but we all do it at some time to some degree. This instance is a biggie to your SO. You will be doing "damage control" for some time to come. The longer you delay telling, the longer you undergo control unless (s)he just leaves you. Hummm, seems to me that is the number one scare why we do not tell in the first place. Well there is a compromise and that is from both partners. Both have to realize how scared you were-after all you would tell and forget it if the SO was nothing to you. So the two of you have to communicate -- talk not fight. Both have to be willing to listen. The list above? Well, those are the things you will talk about including the feelings you have for each other. It all needs to be said without anger even if it is there.