(c) 5/1998 - 1/2012
I have her permission to let everyone read e-mails as long as I maintain her identity from you. Like so many girls, she worries about who will find out. Just as Jaimee was letting you in, so will "Anonymous." And so we begin with what she has sent me so far. These snippets of life will be in reverse order with the latest first. All I will be doing is adding line spacing and the littlest of editing. Typos etc., are Anonymous's :) And so we begin ...
But first ... "This is the new style and color, and I am very upset
at the way the fotos are so fuzzy, I was getting angry with all her
pooping around GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" -- Anonymous
{I (Davita) offer this one tid bit to help frame Anonymous's frame of mind.}
Subject: yesterday's counseling session GUILT and Shame, the Unfortunate Twins of GID
This was given to me bye my gender counselor at yesterday's
session. We spoke of this at great length, and the reason she gave it
to me was because she saw so much of what I am dealing with in this.
The guilt and shame, the self loathing, the overcompensation!!!!! Gee
going to USMC and working for HD and easy riders are not masculine, are
they? It is 3 pages long and very insightful to me. Hopefully, to those
who really know me, they may see my pain in here and realize why I am
in this pain.
Love YA ME
his was written in 1996 by Dr Anna Vitale, PH.D of Santa Rosa, CA www.avitale.com
My handy online edition of the American Heritage Dictionary defines guilt and shame as follows:
Guilt and shame have long been significant components in psychotherapy. This is true no matter what the underlying issue. The reasons can be traced to our culture's use of both of these emotions in complex programs of moral and social control. Sometimes they are used constructively and sometimes, not. Pathology occurs when there is too much or too little of these unfortunate twins.
Excessive guilt and misplaced shame are what therapists typically find when working with individuals struggling with Gender Identity Issues. For example in my practice, callers setting up intake appointments go to great lengths to avoid using such words as crossdresser, transsexual, or transgendered to describe themselves. Fortunately they give enough clues about why they want to make an appointment without having my having to ask them directly.
If one is able to look at Gender Identity Dysphoria objectively, free of any social connotations, feelings of shame over being gender dysphoric appear to be inappropriate. Most of my clients are upstanding, law abiding, hard working, honest and productive citizens. Typically they are highly educated, hold medium to high level positions in corporate or government organizations, and are well respected for their abilities. If they have children, they want to be good parents. Typically, they are the very model of what society professes to value most in its citizens.
Now if we look at these same people with the same objectivity, this time to understand their feelings of guilt, a person would probably find MUCH to judge negatively. A typical gender dysphoric's life is strewn with lies of omission, half truths, surreptitiousness, broken commitments, and gross manipulation. All of which most gender dysphoric's individuals are plainly aware of.
Consider this, from the first moment of defined existence, a person is identified and then classified as either male or female. This classification bye sex assigned at birth influences every moment of a person's life thereafter. That very essence of socialization--how each of us relates to parents, friends, spouses, lovers, our work, religious and physical beliefs--everything we are , is contingent on assigned sex. I think you can imagine the enormous challenge a person with GID faces trying his or her best, every day, every moment , to live up to the assigned sex he or she has no innate affinity to.
Most gender dysphoric individuals are aware of their world. Given their condition, which they accurately perceive to be outside the experiences of most people, they are often hypersensitive to what society defines as gender appropriate behavior. In a complicated attempt to conform, most gender dysphorics make dedicated efforts to gain positions of social value. Initially this is done to convince themselves of their normalcy. When that fails it is then done to convince others. Marrying and having children are often an extension of these efforts. Unfortunately, even these good intentions eventually become something to feel guilty about.
Surely it is alright to be female and surely it is alright to be male. Yet many of my clients come in feeling that they are amongst the lowest of the low. For decades they have kept within themselves what the believe to be one of the worst secrets imaginable Long before they give anyone a chance to evaluate their dilemma, they often view themselves as being sick, perverted, queer or even out and out freaks. They are convinced that is they openly express their inner gender feelings, they will be considered uncaring and selfish. Worse yet, they fear, with some justification, that they will be ostracized bye the people they love the most.
We all know society's message is clear: stay within the boundaries of behavior allotted to your assigned sex or face possible banishment from all that you know and love. The reasons for this social dictum are very complex and outside the scope of this note. However, I believe that it is safe to say that it has something to do with sexism. In our patriarchal culture, the control mechanism for males is SHAME. It is expressed through deprecation of all behavior that is NOT certified MASCULINE. Accordingly, shames expressed bye genetic males who wish to be females FAR EXCEEDS that experienced bye females who wish to be male.
The irony for most M2F transsexuals is that as males they are forced to participate in institutional sexism from deep within its ugly bowels. All male children learn early that being male is a privileged state. Furthermore they learn that they are expected to contribute and commit to its continuance. Typically M2F histories reveal that as boys, no matter how much they envied the girls and wanted to be one, they still found that being a male had its inherent advantages. Unfortunately, boys also learn that to be accepted bye peers, and eventually advance from boyhood to manhood, they must denounce all behavior that is considered feminine. This forces gender dysphoric boys as young as 5 or 6 to go underground with their desires to be female. To compensate for this deception, they typically make super human efforts to at least appear masculine! My M2F clients include 8 fathers, a motorcycle gang member, a Viet Nam Medal of Honor winner, an ex submarine Captain, and a foreign revolutionary.
Guilt and shame represent deeply ingrained concepts, so ingrained that is is common for each of them to outlast gender transition. Even though most post transition transsexuals are glad they are now free of the dysphoria, shame continues to plague some individuals. The most common manifestation of chronic shame is internalized transphobia: a self loathing and belief that they are sexually perverted. transphobia is so persistent that on occasion I have found it present 20 years after what would be considered otherwise a successful transition. Yet within the hard work and realistic appreciation of the newly assigned sex, even this deep seated shame can eventually be eased and even turned into a sense of accomplishment.
Guilt, on the other hand, is easier to ease in post transition transsexuals. If the transsexuals new life has a sense of authenticity, guilt has a way of easing almost on its own. The key is acceptance, and acceptance comes with time. Parents routinely accept their new son or daughter. Siblings make a genuine accommodation for their new brother or sister. individuals return to society as responsible lawyers doctors, parents, spouses, and active business and community leaders.
Guilt, on the other hand, is easier to ease in post transition transsexuals. If the transsexuals new life has a sense of authenticity, guilt has a way of easing almost on its own. The key is acceptance, and acceptance comes with time. Parents routinely accept their new son or daughter. Siblings make a genuine accommodation for their new brother or sister. individuals return to society as responsible lawyers doctors, parents, spouses, and active business and community leaders.
Subject: latest updates from counselor
Hi all, just an update. I met with the counselor yesterday. I keep
hearing my father calling me fag sissy pussy wimp etc, like he did my
entire life. We are trying to eliminate those demons. we also spoke of
me being a non traditional male instead of traditional male. I have
more concern for nurturing my kids I work with then many other things.
We tried some new sound wave technique to see how we can de sensitize
the demons too.
However what we decided was if I am NOT traditional male, then maybe I am more female at points than male. If I want to present myself as a female then that is fine also. If it will help me be happier to do so, then it is ok. I am trapped right here right now, and it is a terrible environment, trying to keep my mom going and her comments and the stuff from my sisters, as well as work issues and everything else.
She did clearly state that there is no way she would even think of allowing me to ever transition under these circumstances.
So that's a wrap for now. I am still in pain but dealing with it. She said that I should not leave my Young ones I mentor, as it is the one thing that gives me GREAT Happiness. Huggles, ME
Subject: counseling update 25 Sept 2004
Well folks its been 2 months since I started and maybe we are
making some progress, maybe we are not. My last session was Thursday
and we tried some new type of therapy with sound waves and eye
movement. I didn't feel a thing! I also don't know what I was supposed
to feel! We also spoke of the self hating issues, which are very
strong, as well as the anger and frustration I feel in my life as well
as the depression levels. All three of these feelings are deep rooted
and firmly embedded, and are difficult to remove.
What that means is that yes, I have Gender Issues, and no they are
not going to allow me to even consider a transition. Basically, if I
did that with these pains and issues and such, I would probably be in
bigger trouble than I am! So what we are doing is trying to find out
why I hate myself, why am I so miserable a lot of the time, and why am
I so frustrated and angry! I'll keep you posted!!!
ME